What if My Aging Relative Resists “Outside” Help? Helping Seniors Accept Help

From http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/04/what-if-my-aging-relative-resists-outside-help-helping-senior-accept-help/

Two of the most important issues for seniors are to remain independent and keep living in their own home. But health and cognitive issues can sometimes make normal day to day living a bit more challenging.

While some seniors accept assistance with no problem, many others can be initially resistant to the thought of someone helping them, particularly if the assistance is provided by a non-family member.

In many cases though, assistance is necessary in order to maintain the safety and well-being of the senior, and the peace of mind of the family.

Despite an obvious need for assistance, sometimes the urge to remain independent is strong. According to a survey by Home Instead Senior Care, only one-quarter of seniors actually ask for help directly, so encountering resistance from the other 75% is very normal at first.

If you’re wondering if you might be overreacting or if your loved one’s situation truly calls for a need for additional care, Home Instead Senior Care pulled together a list about the top 10 situations that prompted family members to provide a senior with additional assistance. They are:

1. An injury/illness/medical condition left the older relative less able to function independently
2. Advanced age made the older relative less able to function independently
3. The family noticed that the elderly relative was becoming burdened by their every day tasks
4. The older person asked for help directly
5. The family member would feel guilty if they didn’t offer to help out
6. The older person needed more assistance after the death of a spouse or partner
7. The older relative would have had to move or leave their home if some assistance was not provided
8. The family noticed that the parent/relative was losing interest in some of the activities they used to enjoy
9. Family members noticed that the parent/relative was losing weight
10. Family members noticed that the parent/relative’s appearance was deteriorating

If your senior loved one falls into one or more of those categories and you approach them about getting outside support and they still resist, below are some suggestions from the American Geriatrics Society about how to overcome their reluctance.

• If a family member is stretched thin with their caregiving duties, sometimes he or she just needs to ask the senior to do things to make his/her life easier – as a favor, which includes having an additional caregiver step in to help out. Use the phrase, “I would feel so much better if I knew that you had more help, someone to do your food shopping, someone to take you to the drug store, someone to be here when I can’t, etc…”

• Instead of the family caregiver suggesting additional assistance, have a trusted third party suggest to the senior that they hire a professional caregiver. Perhaps his/her doctor, geriatric care manager, best friend, priest, etc. could play this advice-giving role.

• Involve the senior in the planning for their care. Don’t make unilateral decisions unless the senior really does not have the mental capacity (e.g., dementia/Alzheimer’s) to participate in his/her own lifestyle decisions.

• Show how a service will make it possible to remain independent longer in his/her own home. Most of these professional caregiving services provide free consultation to assess the senior’s specific situation and make recommendations.

• If the senior continues to show signs of problems (e.g. burning pots of foods, missing doses of important medication or falling at home) use these events as a time to discuss your safety concerns and suggest additional assistance options.

• If the senior is still resistant, but is a danger to himself/herself, speak to an elder law specialist about taking steps to become a Guardian to your family member so that you can make decisions for them.

Certainly some of these situations are more difficult than others. But reaching out to others can make your senior’s life easier and lessen your stress.

Summertime Chores List for Mom's House

by: Elinor Ginzler | from: AARP| June 2010

Summer is slowly coming upon us. Trips to the beach, lake and Grandma's house are surely in store.

It's the last of these that is of interest to me. If you're venturing to a parent's house this summer, it's the perfect time to talk with loved ones about how they are doing and where they may need some help. You might not know that you're a caregiver — nearby or long distance — but rest assured, if you have an aging parent, you are a caregiver.

Use this visit to monitor the cleanliness of the house — from areas that receive a lot of foot traffic to those that no one has looked at in several months. This is the perfect opportunity to use "cleaning up" to "open up" the conversation.

Kitchen

When you're cleaning the kitchen, don't just mop the floors and wipe down the cabinets. Clean out the fridge and, while you're doing that, also check for what kind of food Mom is keeping. You can learn whether or not she's eating a balanced, nutritional diet or keeping food longer than is safe.

Engage Mom and talk about what you're seeing in the fridge:

• "Mom, this beef stew looks really good; what recipe did you use?" Or,

• "This chicken has a lot of mold on it. How long has it been in here?"

You can follow up with other questions to find out if Mom is having difficulty seeing what's in the refrigerator, preparing meals, or even getting to the grocery store.

Bathroom

I don't know anybody who really likes cleaning bathrooms, but there are signs in this room that can be indicators of how well Mom or Dad is doing. As you're scrubbing the floor, notice whether the tile is nonskid or not. Did you know that over one-third of adults over the age of 65 fall each year in the United States? That floor you are cleaning could be the biggest safety hazard in their home.

The medicine cabinet is another source of important information. As you're straightening out the shelves, be sure to look at the expiration dates on the prescription bottles and any over-the-counter products. Also, match up the different types of medications to the current list that you keep of the drugs your mom takes.

Bedroom

Start by flipping the mattress and then tackle the floor. If your loved ones have area rugs, be sure to notice if they are frayed or if they slip around on the floor. This is the time to attach double-sided tape to keep them in place.

And as you're cleaning out the closet and dressers, you can also be checking on the condition of your parents' clothing. You might notice that there are dirty clothes. This might mean that it's getting harder for them to do the laundry.

• Could that be because the washer and dryer are in the basement? Or,
• Is your mom's arthritis maybe making it hard for her to load and unload clothes?

This is another opportunity for a conversation, and maybe even a chance to do some shopping with your mom for new clothes.

Stairs

As you're carrying cleaning supplies up and down the stairs, you can be checking the condition of the staircase.

• Are there handrails and are they sturdy?
• How are the treads? Are they covered with carpeting that is old and slippery?
• How well-lit is the staircase, both at the top and the bottom?

If you see something, you can say to Mom, "I noticed that the old carpeting on the stairs is looking worn. Have you or Dad had any problems with your footing?"

Windows

Research shows that more natural light is better for everyone, especially for people with aging eyes. So clean both the inside and outside of the windows, and examine the window treatments to ensure that they are not blocking sunlight. Also, don't forget the final step in cleaning the windows: Be sure to raise the storms and lower the screens so that your parents can have fresh air throughout the spring, summer and fall when the weather permits.

This is the perfect time to update the lightbulbs throughout the house. Consider using compact fluorescent bulbs. They've been proven to be an effective investment that can save money and increase brightness.

Hallways and Entrances

If your mom's house is anything like my mother's, it's been collecting "stuff" over the winter and might not have been paid attention to during her spring cleaning, so help her clean up the dust and clear out the clutter. In high traffic areas like halls and doorways, it's easy to accumulate piles of things. So, tidying up improves both appearance and safety. Clutter can result in falls, and most fractures among older adults are caused by falls. Even more important, many people who fall develop a fear of falling that can cause them to limit their daily activity. Cleaning these small areas of the house can have a big payoff.

Security

If your loved one's home doesn't have smoke detectors, this is a great time to install them. If the home already has them, check the batteries and make sure the detectors are functioning properly. Other security devices such as fire extinguishers or carbon monoxide monitors should be checked as well. Finally, this is a good time to make sure both you and a trusted neighbor have keys to your mom's house so that someone can get in should the need arise.

The Yard

When you're outside cleaning the windows, check to make sure shrubs or trees are not limiting the natural light. A quick bit of pruning can make a world of difference inside the home. Also, make sure that any hard landscaping — such the front walk, any steps, or the deck, porch or patio — is in good condition and doesn't present a trip hazard. And be sure to check that all outside lights are bright and in good condition.

A Job Well Done

When you're done with these chores, your loved one's house is ready for all the fun times with the grandkids. If you've:

• opened up a conversation along with "opening the windows";
• cleaned out the closets and straightened out your Mom's meds;
• noticed some areas of concern around the house and given some suggestions to help your mom and dad.

Then you, the house and your parents are ready for summer. Enjoy!

Take care,

Elinor

Source: http://www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving/info-06-2010/ginzler-summer-chores-list-for-parents.2.html